Monday, April 24, 2006

Warsaw Racketeers Wipe Up

There's a new scam in town. Wipers. No, not quite those deadly slavic snakes but the rather commonplace windscreen wipers found on vehicles everywhere. Got wipers? Sure you have! But here in Warsaw we've got better ones see. And we've got 'em for all vehicles - ever. These precision rain removal instruments are available at a knock-down rate and come with free fitting by highly trained fag-chewing (sorry those in North America!) rainwater management specialist. Don't delay my friend - those April showers are (still) on their way!

For over a week a squad of guys have been staking out posh vehicles amongst Warsaw's upscale neighbourhoods. They operate in pairs with one guy dragging a specially made 'wiper buggy' onto which is mounted a classy cardboard box that contains wipers for every vehicle bar the space shuttle. They look for the shiniest Landcruisers and the biggest American imports. They leave the BMW X5s - those trifles belong to the wives. They look for men who can be convinced that their 3-tonne pride and joy suffers from fluid distribution issues. The very instant a target shows a moment's doubt he is stripped of his existing wipers. Lips are bitten and faults are pointed out - always with the metal part that locks the wiper to its mount. The duo then lick their thumbs and rub down the mountings before fitting their own superior wipers. Now test that with a blast of window washer! Woah! Did you see the absence of splashback? Wait until you see what they can do with snow! You surely don't want to go back to your old ones do you...Pan (sir)? What about a spare set - just in case!? But this marvellous public service doesn't come for free you know...

The whole operation is overseen by the 'swipe controller' who positions himself at the nearest bar and proceeds to literally wipe out yesterday's profits one beer at a time until he can barely stand to break the team off for lunch.

I really wonder how long before this dream dries up...


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